Live in His Word

A few years ago my husband and I were going through training to plant a church, and as part of the training we had to do a spiritual gifting/personality test. I do not remember exactly what my score was on that particular test, but I do remember that in the description of my trait it said I could have a tendency to be critical of other people’s plans or ideas. This was really a shocker to me. I tend to think of myself as a sweet, kind, and non- judgmental person, so when I read that I told my husband I thought the test was way off because I didn’t think that described me at all.   I told him that I do not believe I criticize others plans or ideas. I said I don’t even have trouble following another person’s plans as long as it is not a stupid plan that is destined to fail. He immediately began laughing at me, and not just a little, and I immediately did not see the humor.                 He told me that what I said proved the point of the test and that I was sometimes critical.

            Last week I talked about how we can't make ourselves worthy by what we do, but we are made worthy through Christ and what he did. I think one reason we don't feel worthy is because we do not see our own worth. We do not see the value that God puts on us. It is so easy to try and get our value from people around us, but that is definitely not a safe place to get it. From the time I was in elementary school, I have always fought insecurity. Starting in about third grade, I thought maybe I had a sign on my head that said "pick on me, I am worthless", because well, so many people did. Looking back now, I realize that part of it was just kids being kids, hurting people hurt people, and sometimes it was just thoughtless words people would say. At school, I had a teacher who would humiliate me in front of my class to the point I was physically ill; it seemed like the kids thought I was an easy target after that. I don’t think most of the kids realized how bad

          Not too long ago, I was driving down the road and began praying. This particular prayer stands out to me because as I was praying I caught myself saying, “God help me to be worthy of your love.” Suddenly, as fast as I said that, I had this realization that I was wrong. I realized that what I was really asking, was for God to help me make my behavior perfect enough that He could accept me and love me more.             You see- I have always been the “good girl”. I hate- I mean really hate being in trouble or having anyone think badly of me. If there was a rule, I wanted to stay five feet this side of the line to make sure I didn’t accidentally almost think about looking at the line and risk the wrath of God or someone in authority. For some reason, I grew up thinking that God was this strict mean judge, high up in the sky waiting for me to mess up so that He could zap me. I could picture this huge man, all in white with this long white beard on an enormous white throne la